Getting Ready to Get Back Out There
After a breakup, one challenge you’ll encounter is learning to rebuild your life while valuing yourself as a single person. This can be quite the task in the face of either a rejection by someone you truly cared for, or a relationship that simply didn’t work. You may now be considering some kind of foray back into the world of dating. Being ready doesn’t necessarily mean being fully recovered from all that’s happened to you in former relationships or in childhood.
It’s true that there’s probably no way to stay out of a relationship until you’ve worked through issues that may have contributed to problematic relationships. However, you have to keep working as an individual, and perhaps as a couple, once you find a good mate. This isn’t meant to sound gloomy or imply that everything is work; it’s just something to keep in mind as you go through this stage of your life. Remember that you’re still learning things even though it’s tempting to yell, “Yippee! I know what I’m doing! Look out world, here I come!”
Too many come out of a bad breakup looking for “the one” when what they really need is time to work on themselves, figure out what qualities they want in a suitable partner, and date a few people who are “not the one” before they’re ready for something permanent. Almost every person I work with can do an “on-line” dating profile that says they are looking for honesty and walks in the moonlight, but rarely have they made their own list of standards and boundaries that truly gets down to the nitty-gritty of what they value in another person. Sometimes you need to “date around” before your list is complete and you know what you’re looking for in a mate. You may think that you’re ready to find your forever love (and you may be); or you may need to date for a while, pull back, and then go back out; or you may need to continue to work on your issues and your list while you “date casually.”
It’s important that at some point you take some time to change or enhance your life– whether it’s through the Getting Past Your Breakup progam, traditional therapy, employing Eastern philosophies such as mindfulness and meditation, 12-step programs, reading many self-help books, or all of the above. Recognize that your post-breakup time is a journey of self-discovery that can take a while, even years. This doesn’t mean you can’t date for ten years, but that you have to continue your self-discovery work even after you get into a new relationship. Don’t throw away the new you for a new relationship. The trade-off is not worth it.
Take Your Time and Don’t Forget the Work You’ve Done
Once you are strong in your commitment to yourself and have moved past thinking about your ex, you can focus on the real compatibility of a new love interest. “Does this person like me?” is important in that you want someone who sees the value in you and who understands that you are a special person. If you are not getting that feedback early on, it’s time to move on. However, once it’s clear that someone likes you, the next question is, “Is this someone I can make a life with?” That can’t be answered early or easily, but keep it in mind as you discover someone new.
If you’ve been entrenched in one or more dysfunctional relationships, emotional health may be something you are still working on and you are unsure about how to “pick” right. Truth be told, there are many more available unhealthy than healthy people, but the more you care for yourself and do the things you need to do, emotionally healthy people will come into your life. Some days may seem like you’re looking for a needle in a haystack, but it’s important to stay the course and reject unsuitable suitors.
The good news is that there are people out there who are naturally easy going and fun. There are those who have triumphed over adversity, and some who have worked through their issues and understand that creating lasting, real love takes two special, determined people. The “good” people, whether they are that way because it’s their nature or because they’ve worked through things, are people who are going to treat you with love, kindness, understanding, honesty and a dedication to making a good thing better. They are out there, so don’t settle for less. Remember: you get what you put up with. From now on, you will only accept the best.
Each relationship has a different ending; therefore, each beginning will be different. You may think you’re ready to date as soon as the ink is dry on the divorce decree (or even sooner), or because it’s been over a year, or because your ex found someone new. You may think you’re ready because you’re bored, lonely, and want to know you’re attractive to someone. However, there’s almost no way to tell, for certain, that you’re ready. There’s no one day when you’ll wake up and yell, “This is it! This is the day I’m fully ‘cooked’ and ready, willing, and able to take on the world of ‘finding a new love’ and I’ll be alright no matter what happens.” That day of awakening isn’t going to come in a flash like that. But it should come after you’ve developed a relaxing voice of inner knowing when you realize that no matter who you meet, you can size them up properly, commit to leaving when red flags are either too ominous or too numerous, and learn to be okay no matter what. Once you know that, you can find a successful relationship with the right person.
There’s no secret formula and everyone is different, but if you follow the GBOT guidelines, you’ll have the confidence and self-worth that healthy people are drawn to. Abusers, alcoholics, sociopaths, psychopaths, and narcissists are looking for victims. In a lesser group, but still dangerous, are the cheaters, the cheap ones, the manipulators and the passive-aggressive. If you look through your relationships, you most likely can add a few more to this list such as the person not ready for a committed relationship or enmeshed with family or ex-partners. If you don’t present yourself to the world as a victim without boundaries or standards, you never have to deal with these types again. You can simply be yourself and other healthy people will appear. Build your life, follow your dreams, forget about the opinions of others, and don’t place unfair expectations on yourself. You’ll not only have fun dating, but you’ll also learn to be choosy and secure about your forever mate when you find him or her.
From Getting Back Out There: Secrets to Successful Dating and Finding Real Love after the Big Breakup by Susan J. Elliott. Reprinted courtesy of Da Capo Lifelong Books.
