There are many things that can make someone choose to no longer want to even try to date. One of the reasons some withdrawl from the dating scene, is they have become just sick and tired of disappointing others. They simply reason they either end up getting hurt, or witness the discomfort of watching another person suffer for whom they may have some feelings . They observe that often their dates start to care substantially more about them and they don’t reciprocate the feelings. They may even like the other and even be see a promising beginning happeneing. The other often has a different perception, and perceive the other as so desirable, that they are ready to go steady, stop pursuing others, and even consider a lasting relationship. There are people who decide to marry after a handful of dates.
Some research suggests that men know within three dates that they could get serious. For women, the number is judged to be fourteen. Some are so witty, attractive, etc., others are inclined to fall for them. These resourceful people can be sensitive and don’t want to mislead or hurt someone. They don’t want their friendship to be misread as their companions want more from them. Some can’t accept or believe that because they care/like/lust so much about the other, that they don’t feel the same. This awkwardness can make those disappointing wonder if they are sending the wrong message and how responsible they are for the other’s reaction. "Am I just a tease? Do I even know that I'm flirting? Is there something wrong with me?Am I just running from getting close? How am I suppose to act?"
Case Scenario: It was scary for Theresa, an attractive, personable, vibrant woman to reorient to dating again.. People were attracted to her because of her personality, appearance and style. Men who began to date her were frequently bowled over, and several proposed before the third date. She saw this as somewhat flattering but she genuinely disliked the pressure she experienced. If she acted like a good friend, she could be accused of leading them on. She enjoyed on initial dates, to givie small unique, fun gifts and listening empathetically to their problems. She became aware that many made more of this than was intended.She deiberately didn't want to lead people on by promising to do exciting activities weeks or months ahead
What did Theresa need to learn? Therapy helped her realize she could often become co-dependent. She took responsibity for people's actions over which she really had no control. Simply, she realized the only adult person she was responsible for was herself. She didn't want to take responsibility for others. If they acted rejected, it was their problem.She certainly wasn't rejecting. She didn’t lie or make false promises. She strongly affected men but it wasn’t her fault that others wanted to have a deeper, longer lasting relationship. She stopped seeing them as fragile and respected them enough to not worry about she impacted them. They were responsible for themselves and had to figure things out for themselves. If they got hurt, and she had been honest, it wasn’t her fault.
In order to remain sane while dating, you have to be able at times to disappoint. If you are a "people pleaser" you may place yourself in very self-defeating situations unless you can. Others can consciously or unconsciously relaize this vulnerability and manipulate you to prostitute yourself ( doing what youy really don't want to do and shouldn't do).
.Some people set themselves up to get hurt and to feel like they are relationship victims. Is this your problem? We'll focus on this in a later blog.
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