Patient: Doc, every time I take a sip of coffee I get a pain in my right eye. What should I do?
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the cup.
This old joke offers a profound truth: Sometimes the obvious answer is the most difficult to notice. For the last five years, I’ve written a daily blog for PsychCentral.com called Ask The Therapist. We receive over 2200 questions a month from around the world. Some of the problems are heartbreaking. Like the young woman in India who doesn’t want the arranged marriage her parents have planned; the bullied teenage boy from Florida afraid to tell his parents or teachers; a new mother from Canada who found intimate texts on her husband’s phone—to another woman. For the person seeking help, their story can be complex, emotionally charged, and overwhelming.
However, a surprising number of queries have the answer rooted in the question. The 28-year-old woman from Australia wants a relationship, yet complains she works from home and rarely goes out; the recovering heroin addict from Detroit who continually relapses because his girlfriend is still using; or the 31-year-old part-time cashier still living at home, constantly fighting with her mother.
For these questions, the answer to a better life includes putting an end to unworkable behavior. You can’t meet anyone if you don’t go out of the house; you’ll have a hard time kicking your habit if you stay with someone using; and it may be time to move out from your mother’s home.
While the answers seem evident, it is often difficult to realize we may be contributing to our pain. The first step in making sustainable positive changes often begins with stopping, changing, or limiting unsuccessful behaviors. But why is this so difficult?
Researchers who study self-defeating behavior—why we do something that isn’t good for us—find we ignore risks and some obvious problems in favor of immediate pleasure or temporary relief. Isolation appears safer than risking rejection; the girlfriend and the drug feel better in the moment; and staying with mom seems easier than the challenges of going it alone. It becomes a vicious cycle. When we fail to self-regulate toward a long-term goal, frustration keeps us drawn to what brings immediate pleasure or relief—and if nothing changes—nothing changes.
However, taking the spoon out of the cup becomes easier when we do two things: When something has been a problem for awhile there’s a pattern in place, and quite often we’ve made an arrangement with ourselves to maintain the pattern. This is the time to be honest with yourself, or get an outside viewpoint—are you doing something that allows the circumstance to continue?
If you are, then find support for making the change. The problem often becomes where to get this support? Of course, family and friends can help, yet group therapy might be the best medium to use.
When several unrelated people come together for the purpose of helping each other change, you have several viewpoints ready to offer feedback about your patterns. Sometimes others can see the spoon more clearly than we do. Then members of the group can be there for support by sharing corrections they’ve made in their own life, or by encouraging you as you transform.
The first step is to notice the spoon—the second is having a good group of people with you as you take it out.