By Max Belkin, Ph.D.
The glass ceiling is cracking. Hard-working, ambitious women are finally getting the recognition and compensation they have long deserved. For many couples, women’s growing social standing and economic power have led to greater stability, prosperity, and happiness. However, the woman’s success at work might also inadvertently fuel a male partner’s insecurity and resentment, leading to covert warfare in the bedroom.
Power relations within a marriage:
Meet Mel and Laura, a married couple in their mid-thirties, who turned to couples counseling when sex became problematic. One year after the birth of their second child, Laura returned to work as a corporate attorney. While her intelligence, knowledge, and impressive work ethic eventually propelled Laura to the top of her law firm, Mel’s engineering career and earnings hit a plateau. During the same period, Mel became more critical of Laura and less interested in making love to her.
When they first met in college, Mel was drawn to Laura’s intelligence and drive. In fact, it was Mel who encouraged Laura to go to law school. “I opened Pandora's Box,” Mel jokes, sitting by his wife in my office. “At work, she is a bulldozer,” he continues, “at home, she is a super-Mom. And she makes twice as much as I do. I feel like her peon.”
Laura believes that she should be able to have both happy family life and a successful career. After all, men have done it for centuries.
Expectation arising from family of origin:
Mel and Laura grew up in traditional, patriarchal families; the husband was the primary breadwinner and decision maker, with the wife playing second fiddle. Mel and Laura’s understanding of their respective gender roles is still being shaped by that upbringing. For example, Laura has a deep yearning to feel taken care of by her man. Similarly, Mel’s self-esteem and masculinity are linked to his ability to provide for his family. However, in their version of the modern marriage, it is Laura who wears the pants and the skirt: that is, both household chores and financial decisions end up on her plate.
Mel finds himself in a double-bind of another sort. He feels jealous of and emasculated by Laura’s success, but is too proud to admit it. So, without conscious awareness, Mel’s insecurity and resentment seep into their erotic life.
Mel feels like Laura is bossing him around when she initiate sex. Since Laura is the boss in most areas of their marriage, responding to her initiation feels like submission and surrender.
I comment, “Mel, it seems that you might sometimes feel that by refusing Laura’s sexual advances you are asserting your independence, while at the same time knocking Laura down a notch,” I say in one of our sessions. “Yeah, kind of,” mumbles Mel. Laura looks surprised, angry, and hurt.
When the woman is the breadwinner:
Mel’s and Laura’s predicament is not unique. Many men are too ashamed to acknowledge their insecurities, or resentment of their wives’ accomplishments, even to themselves. Yet these men act on these feelings in the bedroom by denying their partners sexual intimacy and romantic validation. This “erotic sabotage” can manifest in different ways: diminished sexual desire, premature ejaculation, and infidelity.
This secret revenge is quite effective; it makes women feel insecure, unwanted, and frustrated. Plus, it acts as a cover up for men’s low self-esteem and vulnerability. Guys usually get away with it. But it's toxic for the relationship.
Like similar couples, Mel and Laura are stuck in a vicious cycle of pursuit and withdrawal. The more Laura pursues Mel sexually, the more he withdraws from her. Dissatisfied and frustrated, Laura verbally jabs at Mel’s masculinity and pours her energy into her work and children. Both of them feel helpless to break this cycle.
In couple’s therapy, Mel and Laura have realized that neither of them feels emotionally safe or secure in their relationship. Laura has started to share with Mel how hurt and rejected she feels every time he refuses to make love. She expresses her wish to feel taken care of by her man—both emotionally and sexually.
Similarly, Mel disclosed to Laura his shame about his failure to provide for his family, his fear of not being a “good enough” man and husband. He explored the idea that his sexual rejection of Laura might serve to preserve his autonomy and to reestablish an upper hand in their marriage.
In my role as couples therapist, I encourage both Mel and Laura to describe their loneliness and longing for connection, and to voice to their hurt and anger. My goal is to help them become more attuned and responsive to each other's emotional needs
Mel and Laura are becoming more emotionally available to each other. As a result, their relationship is more collaborative and compassionate, less adversarial. They even started to make love again.
Max Belkin, Ph.D., is a relational psychoanalyst and psychologist. He is a graduate of NYU and the William Alanson White Institute and serves on the editorial board of Contemporary Psychoanalysis. He teaches graduate courses in couples counseling and individual psychotherapy at NYU. He works with individuals and couples in his private offices in Greenwich Village, New York City, and in Atlantic Highlands, NJ.
