You’d think that living in the city with thousands of people in close proximity that urbanites might be on social networking sites a lot less. But, in fact, the opposite is true. City dwellers use Twitter more than people living in rural areas to stay connected (New York is in top five most active cities on Twitter-- Jakarta, Indonesia is number one on the list, Bangkok has the highest number of Facebook users). Cities around the world are some of the most connected users of social networking sites. It’s no wonder that Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram usage along with dating apps like Tinder can become common sources of tension in relationships.
Social media use is known to play a role in romantic relationships. The top two reasons for why people say they use Facebook is to 1) keep in touch with people and 2) use Facebook to secretly monitor other people, including their current romantic partner. Up to one third of people say they use Facebook to find out information about their exes. This type of checking up on what people are up to on social media has been termed “interpersonal electronic surveillance” (IES) or "social surveillance" (Tokunaga 2011; Markwick 2012). These terms make looking at your partner’s or ex-partner’s site sound pathological and stigmatized, but the majority of checking behavior of partners on social media does not rise to the level of pathological stalking. What if partners are simply looking on social networking sites as a way to be closer and more involved with their partners?
The impact of surveillance on the relationship could go either way—monitoring your partner could bring more reassurance or cause more distress, depending on what one discovers, how information is interpreted, and whether partners feel that the emotional foundation is strong enough to discuss it together.
There is an active debate as to whether social media use and specifically surveillance damages relationships. Survey studies have found that the more time on Facebook is associated with jealousy and monitoring of their partner’s profile online (Muise et al 2009). But it’s hard to know what is the chicken or the egg-- or if it's a feedback loop. One recent study found that active Twitter use was associated with increased Twitter-related conflict, which in turn is associated with increased infidelity, breakup, and divorce. But, it’s difficult to know whether people who are more likely to engage in Twitter fighting are simply exhibiting a conflict that already exists in their relationship (i.e., negative Twitter interactions is just another avenue for exposing underlying communication or relationship problems) or if the Twitter use itself damages the relationship-- or both.
Who is more likely to engage in electronic surveillance in relationships? Researchers hypothesized that those with higher levels of relationship uncertainty, such as fears about the future of the relationship, would demonstrate increased surveillance of partners, but two studies of Facebook users did not find this link (Muise et al., 2009, Fox, et al., 2014).
Researcher Tokunaga has identified four unique aspects of social networking sites that make them more prone to relationship surveillance:
1. Information is easily accessible. Even if their profile isn’t public, it’s likely that it’s shared with the person’s partner or available via mutual friends.
2. People post a wide variety of media, ranging from photos and videos to links. Photos can communicate a lot of information about location, behaviors, and social interactions.
3. Social media profiles archive a significant amount of past information. How often do people delete old photos from their Instagram feed from two or three years ago? Probably not that often. Editing posts is tedious, and people would lose their posting history, making it even less likely that they will want to remove old data.
4. Data can be gathered secretly. Most social networking sites do not give you reports on who is looking at your information or how often.
I suggest these additional factors for why social media surveillance can lead to tension in romantic relationships in ways that are different than other forms of communication:
- Small gestures can take on a much bigger meaning-- whether intentional or not. Gestures that take less than a second and a single click (e.g., “liking” a photo, accepting a friend request, tweeting an emoticon) can communicate a whole range of meaning whether the person meant it that way or not. Likewise, other people’s reactions (or lack of reaction) can also take on significance (e.g., whether or not that people “like” or comment on a post or accept an event invite on Facebook).
- Appearance can feel like reality—the line between real and imagined scenarios becomes blurred. Online profiles allow for people to manipulate their online appearance, and onlookers tend to believe in the fantasy of this online life. You have only to look at the difference between how recipes look on Pinterest versus real life to recognize this perception problem. But it’s a lot harder to apply this logic to the feelings stemming from looking at a partner’s Facebook or Instagram profile.
- People have less control over information about themselves. Despite privacy settings and the ability to set limits on tagging functions, people might not be aware they are in a photo online or are commented about without their permission. This lack of control can also lead to moments being transmitted without context.
- It’s harder to raise issues directly with one’s partner because it can lead to questions, like why one was looking, or feelings of guilt. Partners can be hesitant to discuss their feelings about social networking sites because it might reveal that they are looking. This hesitation can stymie further communication.
Checking of romantic partners on social media, even when benign or mutual, can create a potential for conflict—just like any other form of communication. Even though social media is different from email, texting, or other forms of interaction, how couples handle social media and monitoring should be similar to how they deal with any other type of communication issue.
How can you make social media work in your relationship?
1. Talk to your partner openly about how you want to handle social media—from Twitter to Facebook to Instagram and other apps/sites. Let them know what is acceptable for you and listen to your partner’s thoughts on how they use or plan to use networking sites.
2. Be honest if something you found online about your partner bothers you. For example, if you find that your partner who has agreed to be exclusive is still active on a dating app, then talk to them directly and nonjudgmentally as soon as possible rather than letting it bother you over a long period of time. Whether you were the one who found information or were the person being monitored, an open and blameless discussion can help both sides better understand each other.
3. Don’t judge or criticize yourself for your feelings. While one might feel guilty for checking their romantic partner's profile or feeling upset that your partner looked, it’s actually very common behavior. Checking on a partner doesn’t necessarily suggest doubt or control, it could stem from a natural desire to being connected to and aware of your partner’s life. Either way, it’s important to try to have these conversations together without judgment or blame.
4. Be aware that small gestures can take on unintentional or bigger meanings. What does it mean when you or your partner likes or comments on a photo or accepts a friend request? It’s important to acknowledge that small gestures can mean a wide range of intentions, and it’s helpful to clarify things early by having a direct conversation with your partner.
5. Recognize the difference between your public and private life—and that the two spheres can impact each other in both directions. Even though appearance is often different than reality, appearance can still impact a partner’s feelings and reactions in a very real way so it's important not to minimize or downplay your partner's feelings or response.
6. Question whether the conversation is really about social media or if it’s a deeper relationship or communication issue. If you find that your or your partner’s use of these sites in the relationship makes you or your partner uncomfortable, it is an important to recognize both partners feelings and examine the potential reasons. There may be other underlying questions unrelated to social media (e.g., trust, commitment, amount of quality time spent together) that can be raised directly with your partner.
In my opinion, the use of social networking sites and checking on partner's profiles is a common and everyday part of today’s modern romantic relationships that is most often not pathological. Even though social networking sites are different in ways that we’ve discussed above, handling these issues within a romantic relationship is similar to handling any other communication issue. Rather than recommending avoidance of social media, it’s important to focus on underlying feelings and communication. Partners can work together to examine how and why they use social networking sites in their relationships, be curious about how it makes them feel, and discuss how they want to handle it in their relationship in a way is respectful and honors each other’s feelings and point of view.
This is part of my Urban Survival blog that focuses on the stresses of city living.
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Copyright Marlynn H. Wei, MD, PLLC © 2015
References
Fox, J., & Warber, K. M. Social networking sites in romantic relationships: Attachment, uncertainty, and partner surveillance on Facebook (link is external). CyberPsychology, Behavior, & Social Networking, (2014) 17, 3-7. doi: 10.1089/cyber.2012.0667
Marwick, A.E. The Public Domain: Surveillance in Everyday Life. Surveillance & Society, (2012) 9(4): 378-393.
Muise A. et al. More information than you ever wanted: does Facebook bring out the green-eyed monster of jealousy? Cyberpsychology, Behavior, & Social Networking, (2009) 12:441-444.
Muscanell N.L., et al. Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Green? An Analysis of Facebook Use and Romantic Jealousy. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, (2013) 16:4.
Tokunaga, R.S. "Social Networking Site or Social Surveillance Site? Understanding the Use of Interpersonal Electronic Surveillance in Romantic Relationships." Computers in Human Behavior 27.2 (2011): 705-13.
